I started on this journey, well really since the day the abuse started at about 4 years old. But, I really started digging in a couple of years ago. It's so tabu to talk about abuse, even now in 2022. You think we would all just be over it, like who wasn't abused? Well, I know some haven't been but it seems to be pretty mainstream now a days.
Part of my "digging in" was to actually research what others with past abuse
are talking about and, of course, what is Oprah talking about. She has been the leader in exposing the ugliness of abuse and the toll it takes on a person and generations for the last 20 odd years. Her new book was a great place to start. "What happened to You?" is a riveting conversation between herself and Dr Bruce Perry, a child psychiatrist and neuroscientist that has been studying the effects of abuse since the early 90's. As he is a psychiatrist, one would assume he is pro therapy. What I love about him is that he depends on what research says, and what history tells us, not on his own ego. Oprah specifically asks him, "What do you do if you don't have the resources to get a therapist"? His response? "What we are learning is that having access to a number of invested and caring people is actually a better predictor of good outcomes following trauma than having access to a therapist."
Ok, I needed to take a step back. This was a light-bulb moment for me. I was so fortunate to have circles or pockets of people that came in and out of my life, but loved me and showed me not only unconditional love, but how family was supposed to work. I'm so very thankful for my mother, who was stuck in the abuse as well, but at times, was able to hold me, throw me that birthday party, make me hot cocoa on a cold winter day or just cuddle by the fireplace on a lazy Sunday afternoon. I'm so thankful for my dad and stepmom who showed me how to let loose and live a life of no regrets. Just have fun, laugh and be kind. I'm so grateful to both sets of grandparents who showed me that love exists. It's not perfect, but commitment is important and love always wins. And all this to say, they never really talked about it. They showed it. I learned from osmosis and I healed from osmosis as well. You see, I was healing the whole time, and so are you.
I joined some facebook groups for healing after trauma or abuse. I was looking to see what others thoughts were; what their struggle was from day to day. Most talk about triggers, or needing a new therapist, or wanting another therapist. What I wish they knew, was that the healing doesn't happen over night. It sneaks up on you. It's slow and steady with some set backs at times. It's in that moment with a therapist when they take you back to your inner child. It's in that moment when you're laughing with your friends. It's in that moment when you read a poem that speaks to you or a scripture that promises "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans for a future and plans for a hope, not for harm." Jer 29:11. You see, it's all around you.
I have to encourage you to read Oprahs book. There is so much more than I can't fully express in one blog. (Although its great fuel for more writing!) "The indigenous people have done a great job with traditional healing practices and creating a total mind body experience that influences multiple brain systems (Because trauma spans multiple brain areas)", says Dr Perry. They celebrate, they eat, they share. They are relational, respectful and rewarding according to Dr Perry. And, he says, those practices emerged because they worked." This is so encouraging to me. Being connected is the key to healing. Being isolated is fuel for trauma and perpetuates the toxicity.
So, my thoughts? I would say I am feeling thankful and encouraged that having the perfect therapist is not a stand alone fix for those with past abuse. I would also say, thank God for that teacher, that grandparent, that step parent who was placed in our lives to show love and kindness and demonstrate what family and love is all about. It's a journey my friend and I wish you peace, love and joy even in the midst of healing. After all, we are all broken souls on a journey to heal that may only have one destination. Much love to all.